Love Them, Don't Save Them

I read this paragraph from Sifted by Wayne Cordeiro and wondered why no one told me this years ago. 

“Just as I was feeling a compassion and deep love for this dear lady with such a tragic plight, I heard the Lord whisper, ‘Be careful. You are loving her with your love. It’s corruptible. Instead, love her with my love. It is incorruptible.’ And it was true. It’s easy to grow emotionally connected with people who need help, especially when counseling those of the opposite gender. You ‘feel compassion for them, which can be good, but it can also blind you to the potential for danger. Your heart genuinely goes out to them. You understand their deep needs and want to bring comfort to them. Then gradually you begin to see that you are needed, valued, and respected by the one you are counseling. That’s a recipe for disaster’”

Some years ago someone introduced me to the term “Savior Complex”. It is a pattern of behavior where a person feels a strong need to “rescue,” fix, or help others—often in ways that go beyond what’s appropriate or actually helpful.

For anyone in ministry, there is a definite draw to “save” people from the troubles their are in.  I can tell you from personal experience, you will get the reputation of being the “fit-it” guy for everyone around you.

So let me break it down for you so you don’t have to struggle with this.  

#1 - Your personal value isn’t attached to your failure or success of the situation.  Not everyone can be “saved”.  I am not implying that they cannot be saved from their sins, or course they can.  But the present trial or trouble they are in may or may not resolve itself in a positive manner.  It may get worse before it gets better. 

#2 - Your personal value isn’t attached to their opinion on how you did.  Often times I have to offer counsel that doesn’t make them happy.  If you are going it Biblically, in love, and with gentleness then you’re doing good.  They probably want you to give them permission to do something that is unbiblical or simply doesn’t help their cause at all. 

#3 - You are not omnipotent, all knowing or ever-present.  Embrace your weaknesses so God can be strong through them.  (2 Corinthians 12:7–10). Just because you can’t “fix-it” doesn’t mean that God cannot intervene. 

#4 - Your job is to help them make decision from a Biblical world view.  You are addressing matters of the heart.  For legal matters, send them to a lawyer, health and welfare - a doctor and so on.  A great understanding of the Sermon in the Mount is very helpful here. 

#5 - Trust God and encourage them to do the same.  You are in it for the long haul.  Walk with them through the fire.  Encourage their faith but remember you are leading them, not doing the work for them.  In the end this is between them and God.  

#6 - Your opinion isn’t necessarily God’s will.  Be patient.  I am not saying that you need to be extra or non-Biblical.  But God can solve a problem more ways that you can think of.  Give Him room to do it.  

Obviously, I don’t want you to get into a co-dependent situation.  When their problem begins to become the only thing that occupies your mind, heart and even your money, you need to back up and reevaluate what you are doing and why.  If it is out of your league, hand it off to someone who can do the right thing.  You don’t need to make apologies you need to embrace your limitations.  Their problem is bigger than your experience and in the interest of their future, you want them to succeed.  

Don’t take it personally, you’re using wisdom and that is a great thing.